The New Barbarians (1983): Road Warrior's Senselessly Violent Second Cousin Who's Somehow Also Gayer
"The World is dead. It raped itself...But I'll purify it with blood!"
-George Eastman with Manic Panic highlights, wearing homoerotic Stormtrooper armor.
When a youthful Dr. Graves first discovered Max-sploitation existed, I had what amounted to a mini-stroke. A whole slew of movies featuring modified muscle cars, cannibal punks and razed landscapes. An embarrassment of riches was sure to await me. The reality is far more...Italian. Retrospectively, who else could have been so shameless in "borrowing" film elements yet so "We have Lord Humungus at home" about the execution? There's gold, you just have to sieve out a lot of garbage to find them. Case in point: The New Barbarians.
2019: The world after nuclear war is a hellscape, one where violence is the rule of law, existing roads remain impeccably paved, and hair product is in plentiful supply. The fallout breeds more horrors than radiation sickness: From the ashes emerge The Templars, a roving group of fanatics hellbent on finishing the work that the nukes began. Their fanaticism is only matched by their brutality, and their love of elaborate go-kart murder mods. Scorpion, an ex-Templar stands against them. He's a man with the hair of a Dean Martin impersonator, and the personality of a particle board bookshelf. Joining him in his fight are the ex-wife of Claudio Simonetti, a more charitably dubbed Bob from The House By The Cemetery and Fred Motherfuckin' Williamson. Torsos will explode in slow motion, lovemaking will occur under plexiglass domes and our hero will get ceremonially sodomized at the end of the second act!
A rube will tell you that The New Barbarians (Warriors Of The Wasteland if yer' nasty) is slow and derivative, or that Templar Mako's giant purple mohawk is extremely stupid looking. These people are simpletons, and will be the first after the fallout to be slow-motion exploded by a laser pistol. Enzo G. Castellari filmed on the outskirts of Rome for a miniscule budget, and thank Satan for that. We get the obligatory framework of The Road Warrior plot, but it's the trappings that elevate the movie to schlock royalty. Castellari lovingly films every bodily mutilation, and ensures that the car chases looks like they was filmed in a school zone. The acting ranges from delightful (George Eastman's sermonizing villain, Fred Williamson's horny quarterback energy) to non-existent (Giancarlo Prete's Scorpion, who seems to be aware he's alive on earth). The haircuts...Well, I'd hate to spoil the riches that await you. So push that pedal to the floor and ride into the apocalypse...Just ya know, be aware that max speed is 25 mph.
-Dr. Benny Graves
